I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
