wakey wakey hands off snakey
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
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