I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize