I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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