Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
