Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
