Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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