her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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