You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
