I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
