I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
