yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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