guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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