I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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