Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Randomize
