btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
