Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
