just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
