this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
