someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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