margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
