Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
You have to summon your inner elephant
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
