Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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