Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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