the new term for farting is butt boxing.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Everclear isn't food dammit
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
