I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Randomize
