I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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