the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
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