I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
