just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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