Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
This is classic penis vs brain.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
