I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
