i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize