Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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