if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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