Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I think I won the penis lottery.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
