he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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