Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
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