the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
