can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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