It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
