I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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