I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
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