Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
zippers are such a cool invention
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
