Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
