i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
