Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize