think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
