I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
