I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize