The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
