just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
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