Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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