also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
and you fell through a lawn chair
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
