1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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