I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
