Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Randomize