If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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