Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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