Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
My bed smells like the plague
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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