there's paper in my vomit.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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