i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
