im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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