Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
3 2 1 whiskey
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Randomize
