I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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