every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize